I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Pooping to opera.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
