Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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