Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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