Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
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