you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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