I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
