my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
