The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
