i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
