oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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