I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
