The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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