you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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