I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
foreskin is a definite game changer
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
