It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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