Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
