My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
