i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
