I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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