I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
third nipple confirmed
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
