I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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