Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
