He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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