At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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