New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
