I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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