is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
