I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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