I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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