The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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