How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
