I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
