Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
