There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize