I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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