So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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