If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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