So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
