God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
