bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
