I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I touched a dick in church today
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
