Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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