i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
