As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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