I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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