I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
