I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
