none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
