so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
