how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He shit in the fireplace
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
