woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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