saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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