So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
