Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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