Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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