I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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