you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
