Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
