My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
