If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
