I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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